Kiersten Kiene
Am I the rule or the exception? Heartbroken woes of a heartbroken girl.
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Selfie because... "I deserve to feel
good about myself sometimes.
Even if life is not good at the
moment." - Kiersten Kiene |
Now let’s make things crystal clear. I am not here looking for sympathy, hate, or any of that bull. I am here to express my feelings and opinions, that is it.
So here I am. Sitting in my dorm on a Friday night all alone eating chips a queso, drinking Starbucks, and watching Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars. No shame. But no matter what I do to take my mind off of things. I can watch Friends all day, I can do homework all day, hell I could sleep all day and I still could not stop thinking about things. And by things, I mean a past relationship. Holy hell I am driving myself mad. Is this ever going to end?
Now to make things clear, I was the one that broke things off. It was the right thing to do. But that doesn’t stop me from being sad. Recently reality set in that it really is over. It’s barely been a month and a half and the other person has already moved on to another person. Now I suspected that they had a few weeks ago, but I found out for sure that it is true. Why does this hurt me so much?
Here I am, a month and a half later, second guessing my decisions. I have never, ever, been through something like this. I never dated in high school, nothing. This was my first real relationship, ever. I just have a couple questions that I want answered.
Why do men move on faster?
Why are breakups such a freaking...PAIN IN THE BOOTY?
Number one. I figured that it was a science thing, somebody had to do research on why men move on faster. But after reading an article from menshealth.com, I was wrong. “Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after breakups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actually more the consistency of jelly … Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold”
Wait a minute. Hold on. What? Am I treating this whole thing like a guy? The first three weeks I didn’t say a damn word about anything. I pushed everything deep down into the most bottom of the bottoms of my heart and soul, I never wanted to talk about it ever again. But as soon as I came back to Fort Dodge, my heart and soul threw up my emotions like a bad piece of meat. So course, there I was crying day after day, in the shower, in bed, I even sat in my car in zero degree weather for an hour to get the tears out before going back to the dorm. I did my damned hardest not to talk to anyone about it. (Besides my mom, of course.) It was embarrassing for me.
Also, my curiosity has gotten the best of me. And I dove right into the social media world, only to find out that three weeks after things ended, there was already another girl in the picture. And oh God, did that destroy me. Now I know that I was probably just being paranoid and guys can have friends that are girls, so I just brushed it off after a few days. Well about another three weeks later (Yesterday), my fear was true. It was a ‘romanical’ relationship if you will. This didn’t just destroy me, it flattened me to the point where I just bursted out in tears at work for goodness sake. But, it’s not even about the tears and feelings. It’s about what was said during the relationship, that vanished so quickly. Let me just ask something. How can someone tell you they love you, they would do anything for you, you are their world, and three weeks later, turn around and be involved with somebody else? It’s like that never even mattered. Three weeks is not a long time.
So if Men's Health says that guys are usually the ones to push things down and not get over it, does that make me the exception?
Number two. What the hell am I doing over here? I am wracking my brain just thinking about one thing after another. Just like girls do. Questioning my every move from day one of the relationship to now. There isn’t even a relationship anymore, and there won’t be. It’s been six weeks since I ended things. I should be the one to be moving on. I shouldn’t be sitting here wondering if I made a mistake, during the relationship and after the relationship. I am one of those stupid girls who just won’t get over their ex. Oh my God. I’m the rule. I am the typical heart broken girl.
Reading through Men’s Health again, “One of the reasons why women can get over sour relationships faster than the guys they break up with is that women have an amazing network of people to latch on to.” And to that I say HA! I have no friends. My high school friends had better things to do, and I spend way too much time at work to make friends at school. Of course I have people I can talk to at work or in my dorm, but I have no super awesome friends to go to when something happens. That’s what my boyfriend was for, but now that he’s not here, my mom and sister are on speed dial for that. But again, does this make me the exception? Am I a guy, persay?
I find myself wallowing in self pity about seventy percent of the time now. Watching shows like Friends gives me the idea that only girls, and Chandler, are hurt after a breakup. Bringing me back to the whole rule, thing.
Am I a rule? I am hurt and heart broken over this whole thing. Or am I an exception? I am pushing everything down until I can’t handle it anymore, like a boy. It shouldn’t even matter, but it does. Six weeks later and I am still heartbroken, but I did this to myself. The rule - girls take longer to get over breakups. The exception - acting like a guy to get over everything. Is it possible to be both? There are just too much questions that not even a google search can answer for me. This whole thing will be long forgotten in a year or so, but that is one long year...
*******It is safe to say I am no longer agonizing over boys. Because that is dumb.*******
